the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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