think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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