By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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