You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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