I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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