I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
