I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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