Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am available for nakedness
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
