I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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