i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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