mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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