Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so let's talk penis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this hospital has no fireball
I just want to make out with him forever
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
