life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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