That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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