I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
