she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
