I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
