I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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