It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize