I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
