don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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