There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
