i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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