Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
