The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drunk is not a location!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize