I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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