Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He did a backflip because drugs
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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