he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
