If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
