he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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