so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
