it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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