Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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