He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
