one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
