Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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