There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
