I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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