Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
