she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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