So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize