so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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