I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
