Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
