my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
