That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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