I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
