I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize