We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
