sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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