He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
