well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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