I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
