How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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