No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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