Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
