imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
