And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
