This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize