Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
