I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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