Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize