the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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