i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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