My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
