i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
