his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
