you guys were way drunker than both of me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
