Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
