I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
