Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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