i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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