I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
