I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
