We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
