Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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